I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Randomize
