I smell stomach acid.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
