Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
