I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
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New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
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Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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