I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Randomize
