I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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