just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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