Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
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I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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