Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
