I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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