The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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