I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
