My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
