we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
