my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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