don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
