i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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