I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Two words: blizzard sex
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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