Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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