yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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