I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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