can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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