Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
