why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
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i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
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My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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