Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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