She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
