I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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