i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize
