If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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