She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
