this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
