Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
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when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
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Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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