They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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