I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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