How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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