I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
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