I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
