bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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