So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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