There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
