youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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