a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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