So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
