So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
