Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I party with great urgency now.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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