No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
