So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
