I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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