I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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