The maid of honor just puked.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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