Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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