She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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