So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
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