there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
