i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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